The Story Is Almost Never About You

How Do You Change the Narrative When You Think It Is?

How often do you internalize a story about someone else and make it into a story about you?

Are you easily offended by other people’s actions or words?

Do you become frenetic when you text or call someone and don’t get a response in a timely manner?

Do you think, what did I do? Why is she mad at ME?

As I was enduring hard lifestuff last week, I had a realization: I often turn situations back on myself and my feelings without recognizing the pain of the other. Like, WTH is that? Narcissistic? It certainly isn’t kind — to myself or the other. Here are two examples:

My mom called to tell me she’s decided to do comfort care only for her cancer — no more chemo, radiation, surgeries, or any other experimental treatments. She’s done fighting. I understood but was shocked. I immediately thought of my life without my mom, how sad her decision makes me. I understand but am sad nonetheless.

Within an hour of that news, my only child — my daughter, announced that she wants to attend school in her father’s district. (Her dad and I aren’t together, haven’t been since she was two, and she’s always lived with us.) She explained why — all valid reasons for academic and softball opportunities — but it hurt and I took it personally.

I felt the world caving in, cried half the day and threw a big ‘ol pity party for myself.

Both are THEIR realities, their stories.

I am a character in these stories. I am affected by each scenario. But I am not the main character. I am in the details. Do I want to be the antagonist?

Do you ever feel like you’ve got life figured out? Do you ever think I’m really killing this thing? I have those moments, but they are fleeting.

I’ve got a lotta work to do. How could I possibly turn either of these situations into a “me thing?” What about each of them? Why the hell would I ever want to make either situation harder on two of the people I love the most?

All of us make decisions we believe are best for us, and I think most of us consider how those decisions affect others, especially those close to us. Ultimately, though, that effect is not the entire story.

It’s part of the plot, and how others react is the conflict, but shouldn’t the resolution of any story be what’s best for the person dealing with the conflict itself? Should the main character bend to appease the antagonist?

When you feel offended by another, consider the motives. Is she doing it to you, or are you a small part of that story?

How can you support the conflict to help her find peaceful resolution within herself, instead of directing the outcome to fit your needs?

I’m happy I see it. Awareness is always the first step.

It’s still hard but this realization does bring about a little peace. Ask me how I’m doing a month from now …

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this essay, please tap the clappy hands (as many times as you’d like) so others can find me too!

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