Time

How much time do we have? Is eighty years enough? Fifty? Is there enough time to do the things we want to do? For physicians, the balance of life, family and work makes it seem as though there’s never enough time.

Physicians aren’t supposed to die. Death is something that happens to other people. So when Geoffrey announced his diagnosis of choleangiocarinoma, I wanted to believe we had time.

Geoffrey Fleming was my fellowship director. He taught me how to care for critically ill children. How to keep them alive, and how to give them a gentle death when that wasn’t possible. Geoffrey was one of many physicians contributing to my education, but he was the one responsible for making sure I (and the training program) met all of the rigorous national requirements. Each year he selected a group of young physicians and ensured they became competent pediatric ICU doctors over the next three years. Running such a program program at a teaching hospital takes a good deal of time.

Geoffrey chose to invest his time in me.

Incredible trust is given to medical trainees. In addition to extensive lectures and reading, medicine is learned at the bedside, caring for patients. Procedures last longer when you have a new physician in tow. Medical students and residents learn from you, but they also intensely question your decisions. Sometimes they argue. Sometimes they catch something you missed and you have to admit it.

An attending physician needs to give the residents enough space to make decisions but enough supervision that patients remain safely cared for. Some residents need confidence. Some need to learn that it’s okay to ask for help. I will never forget when Geoffrey told me ‘you’re ready,’ and walked back to his office, allowing me to do a procedure alone for the first time.

Over the three years of my eighty hour per week training Geoffrey didn’t just invite me into his hospital, he invited me into his family. He cooked me dinners. He checked on my mental health after I lost a patient. He let me know that sometimes bad things happen, and that not all deaths are my fault. He scolded me when I picked the wrong fight (I was not an easy person to train). He taught me to walk with the right balance of caution and confidence. He taught me to make time for my family.

He also made it clear that I could call him any time for any thing (there are few things more frightening than being a new attending).

Geoffrey faced his diagnosis with more dignity and honesty than I have ever seen. His priority? Time. Time with his wife and three daughters. Time with his friends. Time to play golf and play guitar. Time to love.

Losing a colleague is never easy, but losing a mentor and teacher hurts deeply. I am a better doctor because of him. I am a better person.

Good bye, Geoffrey. Thank you for all your time. I wish we had more. As you said as a final lesson to me and so many others “Love deeply, live passionately, and demand meaning and purpose in your life. Be well my friends”

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