Dealing with Aspergers syndrome and my past.

I was diagnosed at the age of 8 with Aspergers syndrome, this explained alot of confusion i had growing up, i was not like other children what so ever, i was bullied relentlessly from nursery until the end of year 6.

Football was the thing back then and because i followed the rules all the way if someone was to leave out a rule i would throw a big strop and as you could probably tell i was made fun of because of it, i would always seek the bullies approval and had a very twisted way on how friendship should be, i was assaulted numerous times and verbally abused, i repressed alot of these memories and i think ive still got some repressed, secondary school it changed i actually had friends and it was ok, i have learned that when someone is bullied they either become the bully because they cannot deal with the pain thus inflict it upon others or they grow to completely resent it, well i did kind of turn into a bully in primary, there was only one person who kinda tried with me but i took my anger out on him by pouncing on him and ripping his hair out, i wish i could apologise for what i did to him.

As i was growing up i learned to hide my autism, i developed a surviver mentality thus leading to me hiding it as i viewed it as protection, it has been hard but over time i learned ways (in which i can’t really explain) to handle it better.

See the thing is with Aspergers is we tend to lack empathy and have horrible social skills aswell as not being able to process emotions properly.

As i grew up i was a good person until the age of 17 (roughly) i turned into a horrible twisted person and went against who i was and completely lost myself, i became a liar and a cheat, i also manipulated people, the thing is that i was aware what i was doing but could not break the habit, around the age of 19/20 i stopped and went on the path to become a better person, i still to this day think about the horrible things i did and wish i could take it back.

Im very hard on myself, i have a very guilty conscience, any mistake i make i beat myself up for months and even years, my past haunts me but i no longer let it dictate me, im loyal to the end when it comes to friends and i think thats because of how i viewed friendships in my infant years.

What i am trying to say is no matter what hold on to who you know is true, we all go down a dark path sometimes but you must never lose yourself like i did because it will live with you forever, you might think that it becomes easier but its still the same pain every day even years later, do not beat yourself up so much over mistakes we all have to make them to learn.

If you read this, thank you.

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