Cycles of Depression

As a I get closer to 40 years old as a Black man in America, I often forget that the person I am is based on the original version of myself, let’s call it version 1.0. This original version dealt with stress, anger and depression in very specific ways and as I have gotten older, my current version 3.0 is slow to correct the basic flaws of my younger self. This article is about the cycles of depression and trauma we carry with us as we move through the world, and how I noticed my cycles.

The idea that this person in a box would just appear, hold out their hand and say, “How about it; all of time and space?” I would jump up and run away from this place of physical and verbal abuse. I wouldn’t be there when someone pulled a gun out, which had happened often. I would be having tea with Shaka Zulu and The Doctor while back home the police were called, objects were being thrown and chaos ruled.

But that would never happen and I only imagined my life with this alien as we gallivanted across all of space and time. More recently, I have been dealing with depression and anxiety like many in #TrumpsAmerica. But I have also realized that when I am back in those dark depressing places in my mind; I retreat to episodes of Doctor Who to soothe my mental pain. This led me to recognize my cycles of depression and how I’m still that scared little boy looking for someone to appear and take me away. I noticed that these cycles of depression are actually easy to spot, if you know what you are looking for, but difficult to manage. Also, being Black and Queer, in a world that has just realized the struggles of systematic oppression doesn’t help in finding the best role models for cooping with this pain. What does it look like to be a middle aged man of color, or better yet define middle aged? The average U.S life expectancy for all people is 79 years old, for all men only it is 76 and for black men specifically it is 72. Being 38 years old and Black in America today means I’m past middle age but I have few societal touch points for the emotional struggles that come along with this maturing.

So that is why I write and try to create something new out of this pain and depression. If I can share my hurt maybe someone else will spend less time trying to understand their own hurt and pain. There is no nice conclusion or solution in this article. There is only the recognition that I and most likely other people are hurting in our world. It wasn’t until recently when I fell into a depressive slump I instinctively started watching Doctor Who clips on YouTube to sooth my pain, that my cycle of depression and unresolved trauma became even more evident. This article is an acknowledgment of the depression inside all of us and a sign of hope that if you see your own cycles of pain that you can break free.

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