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Fear

I am familiar with this feeling, then why today is it aching me this much?

I know. It is because I saw him today.

Earlier it was like my anxiety forced me to be alone but now I want to be alone almost all the time.

Somehow it become bearable with time.

But now that i saw him today it became unbearable again.

I want to go back.

I was not happy before but I was surviving.

Now it became burden again, my life, it is choking me from inside.

why now?

and now what?

We met in second year of my college.

I was walking down in my college with my friend.

Suddenly I heard someone yelling from behind.

We both turned.

Hey you, you left this, he yelled.

He was standing in front of stationary store of our college.

My friend said, you must have left it at stationary store.

Her voice was too blur for me.

I stayed there.

He came running toward me, look into my eyes, hand me my pen and ran away.

I went away with my friend.

That night for a moment, he came to my mind.

That incident is still imprinted in my mind like it just happened today. That night has become every night for me since then.

Later I saw him in my class. I don’t know why this time when I saw him, my heart pinched me.

I got scared.

It was so weird that I haven’t seen him for whole year even when we were in same class.

My friends don’t believe at the time that what I have seen in him. For them, he was just like any other college boy, nothing in him was special or to be fond of and that there are plenty of beautiful and smart options for me. But for me he was still that boy who came running toward me.

That was sufficient for me.

I later realized that no other moment has increased or decreased my love towards him.

The day he came toward me was the day I fell for him. There had not remain any space for further enhance that feeling.

I was already his.

But he was not mine.

I was always afraid of his feelings.

I thought he doesn’t love me the way I do.

I always saw reasons and excuses and behavior where it become more clear to me that he does not love me that way.

What way I was not sure.

There were many moments where I can see him fall for me. But that was not enough for me.

My thoughts kept creeping me until I was sure that he does not love me and that he just like me or he just find me attractive or it is just infatuation.

I feel unloved.

I ran away.

I cried.

That was my first feeling of loneliness.

Since then it is like this only.

But I was perfect, perfect with sleeping waking working eating, without having to think or time to think if someone loves me or not.

But from now on, it will not be like this.

I saw him today with someone else.

He has the same expressions and love in his eyes when he was with me. I feel the girl with him is me.

I imagined us together like we used to.

Shyly, holding hands, walking together, him with love, me with love and doubt if he loves me or not.

Today I know that he loved me like I still do.

I felt peace for a moment and then miserable for life.

Tonight I saw them holding hands, looking into each other, he with love and she with love.

Peace.

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